While winning back an ex partner may not always be a good idea – of course depending on the reasons for the split – it is certainly possible to try and make amends. An important first consideration, however, is whether this is appropriate and worthwhile. Reasons for the breakdown of a relationship should first be examined and it is important not to allow the emotions or subsequent loneliness post-separation, to cause a disproportionate desire to resurrect something that’s intrinsically flawed and never going to work.
Mending a Broken Relationship: Is it Worth It?
Before setting out to win back an ex-partner, first consider whether it is really worthwhile. Consider first the quality of the time spent together and whether most of it was spent in harmony or discord. If the latter, were there external pressures which caused many of the stresses, and have these now resolved to make it possible to approach a reconciled relationship with fresh eyes and healthier approach? If everything is just the same as before, it is unlikely that anything will have altered in the relationship’s dynamics, and old arguments will return.
Consider also not only your own happiness and desires. Loving someone is also about recognising what he needs, and trying to give him that. If an ex-partner says that space is needed, it is only fair to give this and accept that love cannot be enforced.
Passage of Time Helps Win Back an Ex Partner
By far the best way to gain a healthier perspective on a separation and its causes, avoiding replication of the same issues in any new attempt to reconcile, is the passage of time. It is invariably lonely at first, when a relationship has ended; this creates the urge to be in constant contact with an ex partner and try to create a situation in which a meeting will occur.
However, allowing a month or two to pass before further contact will calm emotions and allow a possibility for a frank discussion upon re-contact. The first step to recovery of a relationship, therefore, is often to allow time to pass even if it creates pain or anxiety that the other is “moving on.”
Arranging a re-meet without frank discussion is a mistake. Even if such is painful, it is a step that needs to be taken in order to recognise and both accept the catalysts for earlier failure, and to decide on steps to avoid a repetition.
Accept Mistakes in a Failed Romance, and Say Sorry
Whatever happened in the break-up of a relationship, both parties need to face up to relationship mistakes and say sorry. It does not matter who was “right.” Both parties should accept that some behaviours on their own part were unacceptable, and allow deeper feelings to devise a strategy for moving forward.
When apologies have been made, there needs to follow a full and frank talk about what went wrong, avoiding accusation and blame. Instead of saying “I think you lied to me,” consider how that sentence can be re-phrased more positively, such as “I was feeling insecure and was always thinking you were lying to me; I’m really sorry if I misjudged you.”
Always accept a part in the culpability, at each segment of a discussion. Discuss whether the partner also seeks a reconciliation; it is not about one party getting what they want, and if the ex-partner does not seek reconciliation it is unfair to try and persuade or seduce. Both people have to desire the same direction if the relationship is to move ahead.
Allow an Ex-Partner His/Her Freedom
A major key to reconciliation is very often allowing the ex-partner total freedom to explore other romantic possibilities – if this is what he is interested in doing – before he commits to re-trying a relationship. As hurtful as it is for a woman to consider that someone she loves may prefer the affections and company of another person, it is impossible to force someone to have feelings he simply no longer has.
When relationships break down, it is common for one or both partners to need to look at relationship possibilities elsewhere. The most generous way in which real affection can be shown is to say “do your own thing, and if in time we find we still want to be together, that is great,” instead of trying to force something prematurely.
It is frequently the case that entering (or trying to enter or create) new relationships may actually serve to remind someone of what they missed. Jealousy and possessiveness are always destructive and are the emotions most likely to result in a permanent end to the relationship.